This is for my ex, JV.
First of all, I am writing this post to express how I am feeling right now. Which is mixed feelings of just about every emotion out there. Please bear with me as I try to deconstruct my heart and become vulnerable so that I can release this tension inside of me.
I don’t know what got into me. Maybe it’s quarantine feels or my episodal feelings of loneliness but on the dawn of April 9, 2020, I finally asked you the questions I’ve been mustering all my courage about. I asked a few people some advice before sending that risky message. And they all had a common denominator, for me to have some closure, I have to communicate it to you. Please know that I wasn’t bored when I chatted you up. Five years of wondering about what ifs and regrets all boiled down to that one risky message of asking, “Kamusta na da?” I know I messaged you a few weeks before that, most significantly during my birthday, but this time I was prepared to talk to you seriously for the sake of my sanity.
I have to be honest to you, I’ve been stalking your facebook profile almost everyday. Ever since I learned that you have a girlfriend now. She is so perfect that it bothers me. I guess this is how it feels, like those catty ex girlfriends in the movies. You have to admit though, thankfully I am not catty or a snob. But I do admit I am super jealous of her. She is perfect for you. Compared to me, who is a nobody. I don’t know why I keep on looking at your profile everyday. Maybe I still have feelings of love towards you or maybe I just miss the feeling of affection that you are giving to her now. Whatever the case may be, that one morning on April 9th, I have had enough of it. I’m sorry but I really had to snap out from my dreams of us getting back together. I had to snap out from you, entirely.
So I asked you those questions for closure. And I never expected your simple words would hurt, a lot. I thought that I would at least have a reply that is kinder, more understanding like the JV that I once knew. But instead I got a short, straight to the point, cold answer. My fault too that I told you to tell me frankly, but still without hesitation you told me, well, the truth. That indeed after I left for Canada, you moved on. And that you met your girlfriend of today. I dug deeper though. As if that wound was not enough, I pried some more and asked a question that would have been the death of me. I asked you, “Why did you choose to move on?” Your answer? “I just lost hope.”
I was almost close to crying and was supposed to send you a really long reply after that. But instead I asked you one last question, so I can finally rest my bruised heart. I asked if you could give me advice on how to move on, from friend to friend, and if finding a significant other is a big factor. You just said 4 words. “Yes. Open your doors.”
That moment I realized, it was time. Time to finally… Let. You. Go.
I cried the night after that because I listened to love songs that reminded me of you. Jvz, I know it’s so weird that I would say I still love you after all these years. Maybe in fact I’m not in love, maybe I’m just infatuated or longing for those memories we had in the past but I honestly wish I did everything differently in our past, but I just didn’t have the control.
You said it wasn’t my fault, after our convo when I asked if my communication skills were one of the reason. You said that it was your decision. Jvz, I wish you had told me that before. I couldn’t say to you I am mad about this but tbh, YOU COULD HAVE SAID TO ME YOU WERE LOSING HOPE. But instead you let me think we were still good. I mean, I was hospitalized for a month. We still talked to each other through emails and messenger. At least you could have told me, “Oh Denz, btw I found someone new.” I could’ve stopped loving you right there and then. But you kept mum about it. I wish I could’ve just stopped, but a lot of things were happening in my life, dark things, and you were supposed to be my hope. And now looking back, I was blindly hoping for something that wasn’t there. Ang tanga ko talaga.
Anyway, with all that had happened, it doesn’t matter now though, right? Because you made a choice to move on. Also, it is too late for me now. You are in a 5 year relationship and I am just someone you used to know. I have to accept that. It’s easier said than done, but I have to. That’s why I blocked you from all of my social media accounts. And am planning to block you from my life. The hurting stops… now.
When I saw you in 2018, my heart skipped a beat when I saw you again and everytime you were in the vicinity. I wish though, I never saw you again. That way I would’ve just easily moved on. But this time, I am determined. I will not add you as a friend again. Will not look at your profiles and will not communicate with you. One’s heart can only take so much.
This is it. Goodbye, Jvz. See you when I see you. I hope not soon though, because healing takes time. I hope that when we see each other again, you won’t have an effect on me anymore. And that I indeed accepted the closure, and have moved on… for life.
Our convo, which is hopefully, the last one.